It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
