please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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