i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
