my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
