Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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