I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
