I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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