I need to stop coming to work sober
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
