1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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