Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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