I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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