When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize