Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
My breasts were aching with rage.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Randomize
