I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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