She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
