I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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