My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
