my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
