what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
