Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I need a beard to bite.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
