we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
