my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
