i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
And then he peed in my hair
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