Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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