I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
