my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
