will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
