12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
