I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
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