Don't make out with my wife yet
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Randomize