I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
