I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Just invented taco cereal.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
