I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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