You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize