I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
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