Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
