Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
