we have pet lesbian snakes
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
