Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Randomize
