So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
