god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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