my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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