Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Randomize
