If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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