saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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