Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
