I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Randomize
