How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
