She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
