My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
