Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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