Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
