Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
