Don't make out with my wife yet
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize