My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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