hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I want to fling myself into the sun
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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