i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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