Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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