He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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