I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
