So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
