I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
